In Pain We Find Truth

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." - Romans 5:3-5

05:56 AM

Yesterday was Sunday. Day 5. And for the first time in a very long time, it wasn't a day spent shaking, checking my phone with a racing heart, or hiding from the world. It was quiet. It was peaceful. In fact, it felt completely weird because the constant, screaming background noise of a craving just... stopped.

I spent the day chilling out. I had a lot of time to reflect on why this weekend had to feel so intense, and why the peace only came after the battle.

I came across a post online that explained how gold is refined and purified. It hit me hard, because it made me feel exactly like an unrefined piece of gold with where I am right now in this journey. I woke up at 5:00 AM this morning with the thoughts of gold purification still running through my head, and I couldn't shake them.

To get pure gold, you don't just warm it up. You have to put it into a crucible and crank the furnace up to an insane heat, over 1,000°C. The gold has to completely lose its shape and melt down. It’s a process of being completely broken apart.

But within that intense heat, something happens: the impurities, the junk, the copper and zinc (what they call the dross) cannot survive. Because those impurities are lighter than the gold, the heat forces them to separate and rise straight to the top.

That is exactly what these first few days of sobriety have been for me. The fire didn’t create my anxiety, my shame, or my past mistakes. The fire just forced all that junk to the surface where I could no longer hide from it. I had to look right at the mess I've made.

But the refiner doesn’t leave the junk there. He stands over the furnace and skims the black slag off the top, throwing it away until the metal is clear. He knows the process is finished when he can look down into the furnace and see his own reflection staring back at him, perfectly clear.

My dross might not all be skimmed away at this moment, but I'm definitely in the fire.

I received a text message from my son last night that changed everything. He told me how happy and proud he is of how I have been handling this, and how much he noticed the change.

When I read those words, I realized what was actually happening. The crude, unrefined version of me is being burned away, and my family is finally starting to see the real reflection of a father again.

The heat is real, and the fire is hot. But I am not burning up. I am being refined.

"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." — Job 23:10