Sunrise, Saturday and A Mouthful of Teeth

05:30 AM

After all the bricks to the face yesterday, waking up without a hangover should be enough to cement this plan to stop drinking. It feels good. Usually, I only go two or three days before I feel "better" and convince myself I'm fine to drink again. Today is Day 4, and it's a Saturday. I know how my mind works on weekends. I have to stay focused and busy today.

Cravings can quickly dismantle conviction.

Before the world woke up, I read the daily Bible verse, talked to God, and got a clear confirmation on my feed right after. I made a strong cup of coffee, let the dog out, and sat outside with a cigarette. The dark, windless, crisp winter air felt like the fresh beginning I've been searching for. It was peaceful. But I know that when the sun rises is when the real challenge begins.

10:15 AM

Just got back from an incredible walk. My son joined me, and we ended up walking barefoot through the freezing puddles of the flooded grasslands.

It's been a long time since I've done this. It’s heavy realizing how many mornings I missed to a hangover or laziness. We talked the whole way about my journey, his business plans, regrets, and second chances. He is incredibly supportive. Usually, he wouldn't join me because I only ever took the dog out when I was drinking. Seeing him walk beside me today gave my hope hope.

The dog loved every second of it. I realized something out there: I should walk her every single time I get a craving. Just go, even if it’s only for 5 minutes until the wave passes. She won't believe her luck. Changing the scenery really seems to break the loop. I don’t want to get ahead of myself or make big promises, because God knows how fragile this is.

But, right now, my head is clear; and even though my toes are numb, my heart is full.

1:50 PM

Just went to the shops. The same shops I always go to, right next to the same bottle store I always visit; where everyone knows my name... It’s strange; I almost didn't even think about going in - maybe I did, but it passed so quickly I almost didn't even notice. Now I'm sitting wondering whether the cashiers are wondering... what the hell has happened to me.

A quiet win, but I can’t get comfortable. It's only 2:00 PM on a Saturday, it's still early days; and early days can dig early graves.

2:40 PM

Spoke too soon. A serious craving just hit my mind out of nowhere and I’m sitting here genuinely considering going to get a beer or two. My heart is racing, but feels like it's pumping real slow. My brain immediately started bargaining, trying to find a loophole: "Maybe a few non-alcoholic beers would help. They help a lot of people." It’s insane how fast the mind tries to rationalize keeping the ritual alive, trying to trick me into driving back to the exact same shops, walking past the exact same cashiers, just to put poison in my hand. This is where it gets real. I need to break the loop. I'm putting the keys down, grabbing the leash, and taking the dog out right now.

3:15 PM

If I wanted a sign to wake up and get into the present moment, I just got it. On my third dog walk for the day, I went back out to the flooded grasslands barefoot and almost stepped directly on a snake.

Turns out it was a Skaapsteker; about half a meter in length, thin, and beautiful. They are harmless to humans, but looking down and seeing it moving right next to my foot sent a shot of adrenaline through me that completely obliterated the craving. Loop broken. I stood there, filmed it, and just watched it glide through the grass.

God really has a sense of humor. I asked for a distraction to keep me out of the bottle store, and He put a serpent in my path. Message received.

7:00 PM

It's wild how quickly a craving can sneak up on you. I'm so used to drinking all the time... when I'm bored, when I'm not bored, when I do chores, when I smoke, when I'm hungry, or just breathing, that I've never given myself a chance to even recognize a craving; I was always pissed. And then there's that mental fight, the one against future thoughts. It strikes like lightning. That electric fear, like "Back to The Future".

I have to teach myself how to live in the now and leave the future for tomorrow; and right now, I only have a few hours to navigate before I'm in bed, victorious of the day... I should make it.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." — Matthew 6:34